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	<title>Jenny Magnus</title>
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	<link>http://jennymagnus.com</link>
	<description>dimwit mandatory observations of an orchestrated catastrophe</description>
	<lastBuildDate>Wed, 23 May 2012 14:57:22 +0000</lastBuildDate>
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		<title>Some Performance Concepts I Teach With</title>
		<link>http://jennymagnus.com/some-performance-concepts-i-teach-with/</link>
		<comments>http://jennymagnus.com/some-performance-concepts-i-teach-with/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 23 May 2012 14:57:22 +0000</pubDate>
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				<category><![CDATA[Teaching]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jennymagnus.com/?p=324</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Questions of the performing self Masking Doubleness Solipsism Voice Language Body language Process Group process Participation Enivornment Alternatives to narrative structure Space/time Indeterminacy Myth and ritual Politics and power Theatricalization of everyday life Text pretext subtext The unconscious Mise en scene The moment Posture gesture Gesticulation vs gesture The gaze Synechdoche- part for whole, whole [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Questions of the performing self<br />
Masking<br />
Doubleness<br />
Solipsism<br />
Voice<br />
Language<br />
Body language<br />
Process<br />
Group process<br />
Participation<br />
Enivornment<br />
Alternatives to narrative structure<br />
Space/time<br />
Indeterminacy<br />
Myth and ritual<br />
Politics and power<br />
Theatricalization of everyday life<br />
Text pretext subtext<br />
The unconscious<br />
Mise en scene<br />
The moment<br />
Posture gesture<br />
Gesticulation vs gesture<br />
The gaze<br />
Synechdoche- part for whole, whole for part</p>
<p>Metonymy-Metonymy may be instructively contrasted with metaphor. Both figures involve the substitution of one term for another. In metaphor, this substitution is based on similarity, while in metonymy, the substitution is based on contiguity.<br />
Metaphor example: That man is a pig (using pig instead of unhygienic person. An unhygienic person is like a pig, but there is no contiguity between the two).</p>
<p>Metonymy example: The White House supports the bill (using White House instead of President. The President is not like the White House, but there is contiguity between them).</p>
<p>In cognitive linguistics, metonymy refers to the use of a single characteristic to identify a more complex entity and is one of the basic characteristics of cognition. It is common for people to take one well-understood or easy-to-perceive aspect of something and use that aspect to stand either for the thing as a whole or for some other aspect or part of it.</p>
<p>Attention<br />
Acting vs. behavior</p>
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		<title>Writing from the Body</title>
		<link>http://jennymagnus.com/writing-from-the-body/</link>
		<comments>http://jennymagnus.com/writing-from-the-body/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 23 May 2012 14:45:22 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>admin</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Teaching]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jennymagnus.com/?p=321</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Example: Writing from the Body Class Activities, or, how to enter the process, according to me&#8230;. Class 1 Intro self..reference FreeStreet and other influencers&#8230; Encourage the notion of resistance to contempt prior to investigation. You get what you give in this process. Discussion of the authentic action of the mind- impulses, both followed and resisted. [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Example: Writing from the Body Class Activities, or, how to enter the process, according to me&#8230;.</p>
<p>Class 1<br />
Intro self..reference FreeStreet and other influencers&#8230;<br />
Encourage the notion of resistance to contempt prior to investigation.  You get what you give in this process.<br />
Discussion of the authentic action of the mind- impulses, both followed and resisted.<br />
They are all writers, this is not about teaching how to write, and it’s about finding a different access to writing.</p>
<p>Practice:<br />
 Breath work:<br />
- Hypnotise with slow meditative prompts to transition from simple everyday breathing to conscious breathing; imagining the stomach visibly rising and falling with each breath.<br />
-Heart rate-accelerations with push ups or downward facing dog, then write.<br />
-8 count standing to falling, then write.<br />
-(all writing with no “I” or “me”- encourages impressionistic writing as opposed to diaristic).<br />
-write the duration of a breath, noticing how it changes as they breathe faster when they get moving<br />
-Stand in front, each one at a time, for one minute on the timer, then repeat with breath. Write after sitting down.  Discussion of what one has to fall back on, the discomfort of being looked at, what strategies on employs to get through it.  How focusing on the breath makes the minute go faster, discussion of &#8220;performance time&#8221; distortion of perception of time, can use breath as a unit of measurement.<br />
-Assassin<br />
write<br />
-Bomb and Shield<br />
write<br />
Discussion Topics: what is flow, how to pay attention, the equation attention leads to focus leads to concentration leads to being in the moment, which is awareness.  Stress the notion of practice generally, learning how to do something means you don&#8217;t have to be perfect at it.  Introduce the idea that the transition from body to writing should be as short as possible, directly bringing whatever body energy into writing energy.</p>
<p>Class 2<br />
-Breath practice:<br />
-Using the image of filling a glass with water from the bottom to the middle to the top, emptying from the top to the middle to the bottom&#8230;<br />
Write<br />
-Write length of breath again<br />
-Introduce the notion of an impulse in the body.  They imagine a place between their eyes, touch it with their finger, then imagine a string pulling out of that place, stretching into infinity, and pulling them.  They can follow that impulse or resist it.  Build from one point to two to infinite points on the body with impulses stretching out of them being followed or resisted.<br />
Write<br />
-Physical writing- pick a noun and write that, not from the point of view of it but write dog, or chair.<br />
-Stream of consciousness-word association round circle, creating group flow.<br />
-Stream individual speaking into writing- create the momentum of the individual stream from speaking aloud into writing.  </p>
<p>Discussion Topics:<br />
Free association is group stream of consciousness.<br />
Derangement and stream of consciousness- if derange senses how does the stream change?<br />
1. To disturb the order or arrangement of.<br />
2. To upset the normal condition or functioning of.<br />
3. To disturb mentally; make insane.<br />
Appolianaire, rimbaud, artaud, Mallarme, beats<br />
Release and flow, expansion and contraction, continue to stress that the entire point of the practice is to return to focus when your attention wanders.</p>
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		<title>Story Development for Interactive New Media</title>
		<link>http://jennymagnus.com/story-development-for-interactive-new-media/</link>
		<comments>http://jennymagnus.com/story-development-for-interactive-new-media/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 23 May 2012 13:15:09 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>admin</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Teaching]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jennymagnus.com/?p=316</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Class plan for Embedded Narratives (writing about environments)… Begin Unit Place • Write detailed description of the classroom: look for words that create or represent , its very banality and neutrality makes the point that even boring environments create mood. • Write in stairwell, one student on each step, facing brick wall, describe everything, then [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Class plan for Embedded Narratives (writing about environments)…<br />
Begin Unit Place<br />
•	Write detailed description of the classroom: look for words that create or represent , its very banality and neutrality makes the point that even boring environments create mood.<br />
•	Write in stairwell, one student on each step, facing brick wall, describe everything, then turn and do the same for across the way- infinite detail, even in an enclosed space; perspective shift from really close to close is enough to enlarge the pool of possible details<br />
•	Write to music- describe environments brought to mind, play DJ, In the Hall of the Mountain King, Bulgarian Women’s Choir, Yma Sumac, electronic music, Swans…<br />
•	Write out of senses in building- different rooms or spaces through 5 different senses, 5 minutes for each sense.  Someone always goes in the bathroom for smell…<br />
•	Discussion of environment as narrative- embedded narratives, where part of the story is told through the where and the mood of the setting.<br />
Beginnings of Writing for Interactive New Media:<br />
Writing as list: 10 Things I Cannot Do Every Day<br />
Mind Map this list, then re-order it in order of importance<br />
Discussion of hierarchy and order, nodes, details<br />
Add details to mind map<br />
Discussion of image/text<br />
Show Patchwork Girl<br />
Show the Secret Location site- example of a script that is interactive<br />
Show Poems that Go, public and private symbols<br />
Show Book of Sand<br />
Discuss Reflections on Writing-flow, ego, in love with one’s own voice, singular, the not knowing, language vs. words<br />
Discuss Linear vs Interactive Writing- hypertexts, non-sequential ideas, chronology and irrationality<br />
Write a story based on random google screen image list.<br />
Sites:<br />
Poems that Go<br />
Secret Location<br />
Mind Maps<br />
Book of Sand</p>
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		<title>The Strange</title>
		<link>http://jennymagnus.com/the-strange/</link>
		<comments>http://jennymagnus.com/the-strange/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 23 May 2012 12:53:54 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>admin</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Texts]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jennymagnus.com/?p=306</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[The scene is a bedroom, nondescript. 3 different nights in the same room. A bed, a table, a lamp are all that’s needed; some kind of window and a door. The set need not change, only who is in the bed at first and who is coming in. As much formal attention to similar opening [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>The scene is a bedroom, nondescript. 3 different nights in the same room. A bed, a table, a lamp are all that’s needed; some kind of window and a door. The set need not change, only who is in the bed at first and who is coming in. As much formal attention to similar opening and closing moments as possible.<br />
The Woman is mid 40’s or a little older, no younger. Maybe attractive, but a wreck. As the play progresses she can change from a total wreck to a subdued wreck and then on the verge of being wrecked again. All costume and casting considerations only must take into account this fact: that she is not poor, but she has not taken care of herself.<br />
The Girl is as young as can be swung at first, but must be old enough to be believable as drunk. An adult can play the Girl, but cannot make her cute. She should visibly mature by the end of the play.<br />
ONE<br />
(A woman, very drunk, enters a room where a girl is sleeping in a bed.)<br />
Woman<br />
(Stumbling around in the dark…) Oh oh oh …, oh oh no oh oh no…(obviously drunk, breaking down into tears).<br />
Girl<br />
(waking up, being surprised) Uhh, uhh, wha… wha… oh who wha… wha… wha… oh who wha…Wha, are you, who is it? You’re making so much noise!<br />
Woman<br />
Oh, oh, oh no, no…. Shit I cant believe this shit. This is it, this is totally…<br />
Girl<br />
What’s the matter? ( lights come up to reveal a little girls room, she is in bed, woman is crouched on the floor.) What’s the matter with you? Why are you making so much noise?<br />
Woman<br />
Just shut up kid, shut up and let me sit here. I can’t believe this…<br />
Girl<br />
What’s the matter? What’s the matter?<br />
Woman<br />
I pissed myself, ok, I was looking for the bathroom and I came in here and fucking pissed myself. Satisfied? Now you know.<br />
Girl<br />
You…<br />
Woman<br />
I pissed myself.<br />
Girl<br />
You…<br />
Woman<br />
Pissed, pissed, like , peed? You know, not pooped but peed. Get it? Huh?! (starts to cry)<br />
(Pause)<br />
Girl<br />
Well, I’ve done that. That’s not so bad.<br />
Woman<br />
(kind of stunned by that reasoning) Well maybe it’s not so bad for you, for a kid, but in my world, it is bad. It is not acceptable at all.<br />
Girl<br />
I don’t think it’s that important.<br />
Woman<br />
(pause) You don’t think it’s that important?<br />
Girl<br />
No.<br />
Woman<br />
Well I think it’s important. I think its…terrible. It’s tragic. I don’t want to be sitting here in my own piss in some strange kids’ room.<br />
Girl<br />
Then why are you?<br />
Woman<br />
Because I couldn’t find the bathroom, ok? I didn’t know where the bathroom was, and I had to go really bad, ok? So I came in here and…<br />
Girl<br />
I get that. But why did you wait so long?<br />
Woman<br />
I don’t know. I don’t know. Probably because I didn’t know where the bathroom was.<br />
Girl<br />
Are you drunk?<br />
Woman<br />
Yes, yes I’m drunk.<br />
Girl<br />
That’s probably why you peed, then.<br />
Woman<br />
No, I peed because I couldn’t find the bathroom. (Beginning to get angry).<br />
Girl<br />
And you held it too long.<br />
Woman<br />
Yes! Yes I held it too long, alright? Too long. Ok? Now you know, its all out in the open, you know everything about it, it all clear, and you, little precocious fucking girl, can tell me everything about myself, right? Is that right?!<br />
Girl<br />
Why do you drink so much?<br />
Woman<br />
What? Why what? (embarrassed)<br />
Girl<br />
Why do you drink so much? I mean, maybe, I don’t know, but it seems like…<br />
Woman<br />
(harsh interruption) You don’t know, that’s right, you don’t know me well enough to be asking that kind of question.<br />
Girl<br />
I asked you because maybe that’s why you peed, you know, if you drink too much, if you drank too much…<br />
Woman<br />
Look, yes, ok I drank too much, but that doesn’t mean I drink too much. Get the distinction? See the difference? I drank too much, I waited too long, and I couldn’t find the bathroom, I came in here, and I woke you up. Now I’m sorry about it, and that’s all I can say. You stupid fucking little kid.<br />
Girl<br />
Ulh, ulh, you’re just…You’re being really mean, you’re not being very nice.<br />
Woman<br />
Well you’re right. I am not nice. Not a nice person at all. And you don’t have to think I’m nice, that’s the beauty of it, see? I don’t care. I can not care, and not be nice, and you can just fuck off.<br />
Girl<br />
(Freaked but belligerent.) You care. Everyone cares.<br />
Woman<br />
No, I don’t care. (to self) I don’t want to care. And I don’t want to want to care.<br />
Girl<br />
I think everybody cares. I think you care. And I think you want to care.<br />
Woman<br />
I don’t want to, I wont, I cant.<br />
Girl<br />
(Getting into the game of it.) You could.<br />
Woman<br />
But I wont.<br />
Girl<br />
But you could. Admit you could.<br />
Woman<br />
I could, I could, but I wont.<br />
Girl<br />
You could! You said you could!<br />
Woman<br />
But I wont. So what? I don’t. That’s the point, I don’t.<br />
Girl<br />
But you could. You said you could. You did.<br />
Woman<br />
But I don’t. So I wont.<br />
Girl<br />
You don’t, so you won’t? Isn’t it you won’t, so you don’t?<br />
Woman<br />
No! I just don’t, so I just won’t. I don’t want to, I won’t. (Fed up with the game) Look, I’m tired. I’m so tired. I ‘m really very exhausted.<br />
Girl<br />
It is the middle of the night.<br />
Woman<br />
(sickishly) Oh, oh, oh no…I really feel like I have to lie down. Can I just lie on the edge of your bed? I wont bother you, you just go back to sleep.<br />
(the woman climbs painfully into the bed.)<br />
Girl<br />
Uh, uh, wha…what…I…don’t think I can if you …<br />
Woman<br />
No, its ok, I just have to sleep for a little while. I’m just going to get on the bed, just a tiny corner, for a little while…(the girl is very uncomfortable and gets out)<br />
Girl<br />
Look, you just go ahead, I’ll just sit up, I’m awake now, its ok…(she walks over to where the woman was, and watches the woman, saying things experimentally) ulh…ulh…oooulh…You’re ugly… You stink…. I’m not impressed by you…. I don’t like your clothes…. I’d be embarrassed if I were you… It’s not important. I wasn’t sleeping anyway. I was only pretending to sleep…. You make me sick. People like you make me sick. I think that’s the worst thing you can do, is let yourself get stupid. Embarrass yourself and not even be able to stop it. Ulh…ulh…<br />
Woman<br />
(responding from bed) I’m not sleeping.<br />
Girl<br />
(startled) uh…oh…I thought you were sleeping…<br />
Woman<br />
No I wasn’t. I’m not. I just let you think I was. I wanted to see what you’d do. If you thought I was sleeping.<br />
Girl<br />
Why? Why would you want to do that?<br />
Woman<br />
Because I’m not nice. And to satisfy my curiosity.<br />
Girl<br />
About what?<br />
Woman<br />
About you. (meanly trying to freak her out)<br />
Girl<br />
Why? Wha…uh… Why are you curious about me? I’m not interesting. I’m just nobody. Leave me alone.<br />
Woman<br />
Yeah, you didn’t surprise me.<br />
Girl<br />
I didn’t surprise you? (kind of insulted.)<br />
Woman<br />
Do you think I didn’t know exactly what you would do?<br />
Girl<br />
How could you know what I was going to do?<br />
Woman<br />
…You remind me of myself.<br />
Girl<br />
Well I’m not going to end up peeing in my pants in some kid’s bedroom who I don’t even know.<br />
Woman<br />
Oh, oh ho, You just hold on to that thought. Hold on tight. You just hope for yourself that isn’t going to happen.<br />
Girl<br />
Just because bad things happen to you doesn’t mean that’s the way it’s going to be for everybody. I’m not going to feel all sorry for myself and be pathetic.<br />
Woman<br />
You think I’m pathetic.<br />
Girl<br />
Yes I do. It’s embarrassing for a kid to see an adult all ugly and weird. If you were another kid I would make fun of you for being so stupid and ugly…Kids don’t let kids get away with…<br />
Woman<br />
Look, whether it matters or not, you are making fun of me. You don’t think you are but what you’re saying is actually worse than if you just laughed.<br />
Girl<br />
I don’t get that.<br />
Woman<br />
(kind of sick of it now) You don’t get a lot of things.<br />
Girl<br />
Do you have any kids?<br />
Woman<br />
(surprised,laughing) Uh, no.<br />
Girl<br />
What’s so funny about that question?<br />
Woman<br />
(very bitter) Do I seem like someone who has kids?<br />
Girl<br />
I don’t know. All kind of people have kids. Really strange people have kids.<br />
Woman<br />
You’re saying I’m really strange.<br />
Girl<br />
I think you’re kind of strange…But I like things that are strange. And you’re not so strange you wouldn’t have kids maybe.<br />
Woman<br />
Well no, I don’t have any kids.<br />
Girl<br />
Do you want to have them?<br />
Woman<br />
I don’t choose to have them. Not now. If, in the future, I choose to have them, then…its, its my choice, and…<br />
Girl<br />
I wish I could choose, that I had a choice. No one telling you all the time to do things you don’t want to do.<br />
Woman<br />
At the same time, it’s all up to you. No one has to care about you.<br />
Girl<br />
(Pause) You know what, my mother has two pairs of glasses. One that she wears with black or white clothes, one that she wears with earth colors. I think that is too much.<br />
Woman<br />
What are you talking about? Glasses? Two is too much?<br />
Girl<br />
Yeah. It seems too planned out. Like she knows exactly what kind of occasion everything is going to be, and has just the right face to meet it with.<br />
Woman<br />
That seems alright to me. It’s only some glasses.<br />
Girl<br />
No, its not only the glasses. It’s the plan.<br />
Woman<br />
What’s wrong with a plan? Maybe it gives her comfort.<br />
Girl<br />
It gives her protection, not comfort.<br />
Woman<br />
So what? What do you care if she feels better with…<br />
Girl<br />
Not better. Safer. She feels safer with the right glasses.<br />
Woman<br />
Why begrudge her safety?<br />
Girl<br />
I never see her face then. She’s so safe she’s invisible. Her glasses give her a face. Maybe she doesn’t have any face under there.<br />
Woman<br />
She has a face. It’s her face. If she wants to only show it to the mirror it’s none of your business.<br />
Girl<br />
When I was a baby in her arms I would try to pull them off. You know what? I never could.<br />
Woman<br />
That’s not a real memory.<br />
Girl<br />
Maybe not, but that’s my dream of the memory. That is the memory I think about.<br />
Woman<br />
I don’t believe in that. Leave it all well enough alone, that’s what I think. Don’t mess around with that stuff, leave it where it lays, let it fester and rot all by itself. It doesn’t need any stirring up by anybody. There are things it’s better to not know.<br />
Girl<br />
I want to know.<br />
Woman<br />
You already know everything you need to know.<br />
Girl<br />
No, I don’t.<br />
Woman<br />
What do you think you don’t know?<br />
Girl<br />
I know I don’t know enough.<br />
Woman<br />
Then that’s all you need to know.<br />
Girl<br />
I want to know more than that.<br />
Woman<br />
Wanting, needing. Different things.<br />
Girl<br />
I need to know about wanting, then. Because I don’t…<br />
Woman<br />
You do not need to know about wanting. Maybe you want to know. But need? Need is breathing. Sleeping, shitting. Wanting is all the rest.<br />
Girl<br />
How sure are you about all this?<br />
Woman<br />
I’m a scholar of want. I have a library, many volumes on wanting. All in my head, memorized. I know the difference.<br />
Girl<br />
That’s fine for you, but…<br />
Woman<br />
(abrupt, cutting) No, we’re the same. Everyone is just the same.<br />
Girl<br />
I don’t think you’re right.<br />
Woman<br />
You don’t have to think so.<br />
Girl<br />
I don’t think you try hard enough.<br />
Woman<br />
Hard enough for what?<br />
Girl<br />
To feel better. I think you give up too easy.<br />
Woman<br />
I could hate you for saying that.<br />
Girl<br />
Why? Why could you hate me? I’m just saying…<br />
Woman<br />
It’s so wrong. It’s wrong to think that just by trying harder I could somehow feel better. This is a part of me. Feeling this way is what I am. This is, for me, like the color of you eyes or something. It’s not something I’m doing. It’s just me.<br />
Girl<br />
You talked yourself into that.<br />
Woman<br />
No, this is from years of rational observation and experiment. I’ve been conducting a series of experiments, an elaborate process of elimination. I’ve removed every single external source of pain in my life, I’ve narrowed my life down until its tiny, do you understand me? It’s smaller than anything you could even imagine, like a matchbox life, but the pain is still there. Therefore, I conclude, I am the pain. Like, I saw my mother once, in a dream. She had had some dental work done on her front teeth. Where they had been chicklety before, capped, I suppose, now they were just stumps, hurting, blackish. Her eyes had all this pain. Not just mouth pain of the dental variety, but sorrow and shame. Especially shame, like it was a hideous thing for her, a disfigurement that she couldn’t abide. A loss of dignity. I felt so sorry. That’s the kind of pain I’m talking about.<br />
Girl<br />
I don’t have to believe that story.<br />
Woman<br />
Believe whatever you want to believe.<br />
Girl<br />
I think its sort of ridiculous.<br />
Woman<br />
Yes, I would have to agree.<br />
Girl<br />
As if you couldn’t change. Everything can change. At any moment. Even I know that.<br />
Woman<br />
Everything can change, yes I know that is true.<br />
Girl<br />
So you can change.<br />
Woman<br />
Yes, but I can change for the worse. Or hadn’t you thought of that?<br />
Girl<br />
Oh you make me so mad. Coming in here with your ideas. Its just ugly, you know? It’s ugly what you say. And depressing.<br />
Woman<br />
That’s right. You think you can stave off everything bad and ugly just by what, looking at it straight? I give you points for not being a freakout kind of kid, like a lot of kids would be, this is a bad situation, but you’re still stupid and I’m not sorry to tell you that. Ugliness. Failure. Disappointment. You have no idea, kid, really, listen to me now, no idea what real disappointment is. That something is not ever going to happen. Ever. Or when something can never be undone. Sometimes it’s not your fault, but when it is, when you’ve fucked things up and they’re ruined, its more than you can bear. It’s more that I can bear. Someday you’ll thank me for telling you this stuff. I don’t care about you enough to sugar coat it for you. You think this is just some crazy woman who talking talking talking. But ugliness is real, kid, its all around you, all the time, and its inside you, yeah even you, and it can come out. Just because it wants to. Just because for the hello of it. And then you can get used to it, you can start liking the ugliness, and you want to see how far you can go with it. Like right now. I just feel ugly. It’s coming out of me. And you’re the only person here with me. See how ugly I am? (turns out the light, she is doing something unseen, violent towards the girl.)<br />
Girl<br />
(After getting away from her and turning back on the light) Ulh..I don’t care what you say. You think you’re scaring me but you’re not. I can take it. I won’t give up. I won’t. I’m not going to get all ugly and flat and disappointed, and…<br />
Woman<br />
Fine, great. You’re wrong, you will, but you just keep dreaming. Go to sleep now. I’m sorry I disturbed you. Just forget we ever talked. Forget about me. Do whatever you want. Go back to sleep. (stumbles out).<br />
TWO<br />
(Same room, Woman asleep in the bed. Girl is seen climbing in through the window on a ladder . It is obviously late at night or early morning and she is sneaking back into her room from having been out)<br />
Girl<br />
(angry, drunk, falling down, making noise) Oh, oh, no…<br />
Woman<br />
(in the bed, being awakened by girl climbing in window.) Wha, ulh…Who is it?<br />
Girl<br />
What the fuck?! This is…oh man this is just great, I cant believe this shit…<br />
Woman<br />
What’s going on? What are you doing here? Who are you?<br />
Girl<br />
Who am I? That’s funny, who the fuck are you? What are you doing in here? (looks closer) Oh my god! What are you doing here?!<br />
Woman<br />
What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Who are you?<br />
Girl<br />
Fuck you. Get out of my bed.<br />
Woman<br />
Your bed?<br />
Girl<br />
Yeah, this is my bed. So get out.<br />
Woman<br />
You’re drunk.<br />
Girl<br />
So what?! So what if I’m drunk, what do you care? Who are you to…<br />
Woman<br />
What are you talking about? Calm down now, keep your voice down.<br />
Girl<br />
Yeah right, don’t want any trouble. Get out of my bed and there won’t be any trouble.<br />
Woman<br />
There’s not going to be any trouble. Calm down now, just be quiet.<br />
Girl<br />
Stop talking. Just stop even talking to me and get out of my bed.<br />
Woman<br />
Are you…<br />
Girl<br />
Yes, its my bed, my fucking bed, I’m kicked out but that doesn’t mean its not still my bed. It’s my bed until I say it isn’t, till I quit this room, not when I’m told to get out. I tell who to get out. I tell you to get out, you don’t tell me.! (crying, angry)<br />
Woman<br />
(Taking charge) Look, shut up. Shut up and sit down. Here, I’m out of the bed, alright? OK? I’m up and out of the bed, now shut up and calm down.<br />
Girl<br />
Ok that’s what I want. Move away, go over there, go out, leave me alone now, I just want to sleep. Get out and don’t say anything more. (She stumbles into the bed)<br />
Woman<br />
Alright fine, quiet now. (She watches the girl lay down, speaking to herself.) This is terrific. What did I expect. Oh well, they never said it would be easy. I guess its perfect really. An uncomfortable evening and an awful night. What do I expect. Creepy. Little strange asshole angry kid.<br />
Girl<br />
(Not sleeping) Cant you ever shut up?<br />
Woman<br />
I thought you were passed out. Sorry.<br />
Girl<br />
Ha! Sorry!? You’re not sorry. It’s some kind of thing with you. Disturbing my sleep. This is like some bizzare nightmare, finding you here. It’s like a little reunion. (finds that drunkenly funny)<br />
Woman<br />
A reunion? What does that mean?<br />
Girl<br />
You know what I mean. Its only justice that I should wake you up. Tit for tat.<br />
Woman<br />
I don’t know what you’re talking about.<br />
Girl<br />
Yes you fucking do. Don’t be so stupid. You woke me up, so I’m waking you up.<br />
Woman<br />
I didn’t wake you up.. You woke me up.<br />
Girl<br />
Not now. Before.<br />
Woman<br />
Before? When?<br />
Girl<br />
(Dawning) Oh my fucking god. You don’t remember me, do you? You don’t even remember me. You don’t remember me.<br />
Woman<br />
Ok, I get that you think we’ve met, but we haven’t. (very uncomfortable) No we haven’t met. I don’t remember meeting you. No.<br />
Girl<br />
You don’t remember me. This is too funny. You don’t even remember me at all? Look at me.<br />
Woman<br />
No, I’m sorry. I don’t recognize you, look, I’m only here for this one night. I’ve only been here once before, to this house once before, but I’ve never been in here and I’ve never seen you. I don’t think.<br />
Girl<br />
That’s right, you don’t think, you just come in here and wake people up and tell them things and freak them out, and, other things, and then you go. Is this going to be like, a yearly ritual or something? You’re drunken fucking vacation visit? (Woman starts to come over to her) Don’t touch me! Stay over there, I mean it! I’ll kill you if you touch me again.<br />
Woman<br />
I haven’t touched you, calm down. Sshh.<br />
Girl<br />
You don’t remember meeting me but you know you haven’t touched me. Fucking asshole.<br />
Woman<br />
I came here to tell them I was sorry because I… of something, some things I did when I was here before, and it got too late to leave so they put me up in here for the night, one night, and that’s all there is to it.<br />
Girl<br />
No, that’s not all there is to it. Whether you remember me or not, whatever you did down there, to them, you did come up in here and you did fuck with me, you did, and whether you know it or not, I know it, you woke me up and you fucked with me.<br />
Woman<br />
(Giving in to it.) Ok, ok, I cant remember. This is so horrible and creepy. Ulh… What, what did I do? What did I do to you? Just tell me straight out.<br />
Girl<br />
You fucked with me, man. With my mind. You…upset me and scared me and you…its like you wrecked me, you came in here and just, infected me with some kind of poison. And you did shit to me… scared me and you hit me! You did! And freaked me out. You confused me and, its like, I was really sure about things before that, before you, but then I got very confused and everything turned to shit. It all turned to shit and its your fault.<br />
Woman<br />
(Now very terribly upset). Oh god, I am so so sorry. I fucking hit you? What possible reason could I have had for doing that? I am so sorry, I don’t remember anything, I was drunk and I came back to make it up to them, for what I did to them, but I don’t even, I didn’t even remember that I came in here, and now you say I hit you? Oh god this is the worst thing I’ve ever done, I am so sorry.<br />
Girl<br />
It’s too late to be sorry asshole. You already fucked me. I’m already fucked. Being sorry doesn’t change anything.<br />
Woman<br />
How can I tell you? I’ve changed. I’m not the same. That’s why I’m sorry, I wouldn’t be sorry if I hadn’t changed. I never used to be sorry, I didn’t even know I needed to be sorry, but now I do know, and I know it cant always be made right but…<br />
Girl<br />
That’s right, this is one of the times it cant be made right. It’s wrong, what you did was wrong, and what you’re doing now is wrong. So just shut up and get out.<br />
Woman<br />
Wait, wait…I cant just leave until we talk this out, What exactly happened? Just tell me what I did so at least I know. I cant’ do anything, I cant change anything if I don’t know what it is, I have to see it before I can change it.<br />
Girl<br />
You’re not listening to me! I don’t care if you change or not. You’re right, though, you haven’t changed, you’re still just interested in yourself, yourself, yourself. You were, at least you were strange before, now you’re just pathetic and weak and ugly,,, (taunting her)<br />
Woman<br />
(grabbing her, losing her temper) Tell me what I did!<br />
Girl<br />
Let go of me! (They fight, the woman wins) Ok, fine, you win, fuck you I don’t care. (crying, drunk, sickish.)<br />
Woman<br />
Now tell me what I did to you. Exactly.<br />
Girl<br />
(not willing to really tell it) You slapped me, no big fucking deal.<br />
Woman<br />
I slapped you. Why?<br />
Girl<br />
Because you were drunk and you got mad.<br />
Woman<br />
And that was why you freaked out?<br />
Girl<br />
(Pauses) Actually, no. I freaked out because you…disgusted me. You were totally disgusting and filthy, you pissed yourself and cried and everything, but what made it weird is that you made sense. You were totally fucked up but you were right. You told me that I would see it your way, and learn when I got older and you were right. I did learn. Things can happen for the worse and some things can happen that can never be undone. I started thinking about this girl I know, in school, and this year, in one year, these terrible things started happening to her, she went to the bathroom and tucked her skirt into her underpants and walked around like that all day and no one told her. I didn’t even tell her. Then her front tooth just turned black and died, and she just had this black tooth. Then she washed her hair with baby oil instead of baby shampoo one morning and it stayed wet and stringy all day. The she gained like 100 pounds. Then she accidently yanked a chunk of hair out of her head and it grew back in curly, even though her hair was straight, so she had this one curly lump on her head. And her father started fucking her, she told me, all this happened, and she was so scared, like why? And none of it could ever be undone. I saw what you said, things can change for the worse, and even if you wouldn’t have said all of that stuff if you hadn’t been fucked up, because no one tells you anything real, I know that, you told me the truth, and…<br />
Woman<br />
Wait, now, I told you a truth. Maybe. Or some truths. But not the truth, the one and only truth that is always true. Because I want to tell you now that what I want to tell you now is also true. I just didn’t know this truth at the time. Another truth is that even if you can’t change something that has already happened, you can change yourself. You can make reparation and restitution, and make up somehow for what you’ve done. Its not easy, and I hate it, but you can, if you’re willing to…<br />
Girl<br />
I don’t believe you. You’re just scared, or…You did tell me the truth, you cant make things right.<br />
Woman<br />
I want to make things alright again.<br />
Girl<br />
Was it ever alright to begin with? What if it never was? How can you know if its right again, how do you even think you can know?<br />
Woman<br />
You make it up, I guess, I ‘ve just figured out some way or made up some vision of what right is, or would be.<br />
Girl<br />
Well that’s just terribly inspiring.<br />
Woman<br />
Ok, fine, you don’t have to forgive me, I know that.<br />
Girl<br />
Oh, oh, forgive you. I’m supposed to forgive you? Did they forgive you? (pointing downstairs.)<br />
Woman<br />
Actually, no. Not really.<br />
Girl<br />
Well, you’re just doing great. You carry this infection around and expose everyone to it and then you want to be forgiven for that. You should just stay by yourself and keep this to yourself.<br />
Woman<br />
(very tired and horrified and drained.) Ah shit…I was having this dream, when you came in. You woke me up out of this strange dream. I dreamt of being in some kind of union insurrection at a hospital or compound. I get into the compound very easily and I’m not suspect at all, it is extremely packed with people. Suddenly a door opens and out comes the main man of the place, obviously a figure of immense power and insanity, or worse, everyone is brainwashed, its obvious all of a sudden, they cant take their eyes off of him, and they are all drinking what looks like carrot juice from a to-go cup with straws. He rolls out, and I am very scared of him, he is tremendously fat and unspeakably ugly, weird beige skin and no hair really, or like its brushed back, but huge white teeth as the main feature, his eyes are psychotic unfocused, and as he keeps moving it seems like the crowd is rolling him because he is moving very smoothly for a man his size. His back is to me, I hear someone say very proprietarily, “Isn’t that cute?” and I look down to see and its that his pants have only the tiniest amount of leg separation, just at the bottom and it occurs to me that he’s mutated and has some kind of tail or something underneath those pants. Then he is passing me and mercifully his eyes don’t light on me or notice me in any way but just keep blank and he is enveloped into the room he came out of. I am revolted and back out of the room. I stumble into this basement room and I’m in a cage or a cell with an obviously imprisoned woman. The floors and walls are metal but weirdly inscribed or scribbled on or into, and she is very short and slight with short hair. She is naked and maniacally angry, like she’s imprisoned down there because she wont obey, but lucid. Somehow we connect, she can tell that I am incognito or that I respect her anarchy, and she shows me her level of regression or defiance or freedom or degradation by menstruating on the flood obviously having no sanitary facilities. She just looks into my face and squats a little and forces out some blood, she is laughing, enjoying my despair for her. I decide to get the hell out so I can help her by destroying this infernal place. I leave and a guard sees me and I mutter about how this could be so vile, she is considered unspeakable by them. I’m trying to leave the compound and suddenly there is a pursuit, like I’ve been found out, so I drop onto all fours to move faster, pulling at the ground. I think I’m making it, and I see a strip of sand on the other side of the street and I think that’s outside of their jurisdiction. I pull myself onto the sand, its very difficult, but just then, a jeep with some blond surfers in it pulls up and tells me that the real safety is still further on, at the window of a building ahead, that is where the real safety is, and I start trying to get to that, and that’s when you came in through the window and woke me up.<br />
(The woman realizes the girl has fallen asleep while she was talking. She sighs, oh, oh, and gets up and leaves.)<br />
THREE<br />
(Same room, Woman quietly sneaking in while girl is in bed sleeping, Woman watches girl very quietly, sits on edge of bed and touches girl lightly, to awaken her.)<br />
Woman<br />
Uhh, umm…<br />
Girl<br />
(Without moving) Its you, isn’t it.<br />
Woman<br />
Yes.<br />
Girl<br />
(sleepy) I was having an illicit party in my house.<br />
Woman<br />
Listen, I came to tell you something.<br />
Girl<br />
(out of a dream) I was having an illicit party in my house, like the folks were gone, and I had people over, and someone had taken a piece of wood out of the fireplace and thrown it on the floor, and melted the rug, no fire had started, but the rug was pocked with these melted places, and I got horribly angry, like worse than I ever get in real life even, at how stupid someone was, how thoughtless. So I picked the wood up and under it, I saw one of the holes was really deep, like a crater actually, a crater in the rug, and at the bottom, there was not a door exactly but somehow I knew I should climb down the crater, so I did, and I found that under the floor, there was an exact replica of the whole house, like they had built two right on top of each other, but an exact replica, like even the furniture was the same and the knicker knackers, and everything, except it was subterranean, and kind of blueish, like a secret other version of their world under the actual one. I was walking around in the blueishness, touching things and picking them up, everything was the same, even magazines on the table. Weird, huh?<br />
Woman<br />
Yeah, I wanted to say, well, I guess, so long, or whatever, I wanted to see if you would be here, I didn’t really know. I’m glad you are. Back here.<br />
Girl<br />
Do they know you’re up here?<br />
Woman<br />
No.<br />
Girl<br />
Howd you get in?<br />
Woman<br />
I snuck in. I didn’t need to see them.<br />
Girl<br />
Why did you want to see me?<br />
Woman<br />
I just wanted to. To see if you’d be back here. I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I just, I had you in my mind, and you would always be there, in the back of my mind, so I…<br />
Girl<br />
Well, I’m here. I am back here. I’ve been back for a little while.<br />
Woman<br />
Good, so I just wanted to say that you should, you know, cut the crap, and really live, you know, and stop fucking around. And that you shouldn’t listen to anyone about how you should live, or what’s true for you, but that you should get on with really living and look inside yourself, or whatever. Because even if you think you don’t know, you know, what to do, you do, deep inside yourself, you do, you really do.<br />
Girl<br />
Ok, but why should I listen to you then? Because you just told me not to listen to anyone outside of myself, so why should I take this advice and listen to you?<br />
Woman<br />
Yes, right, ok, don’t listen to me. Thats right. Uh huh, um hum, ulh, right? ulgh. Well thats it, so long. Take it easy, but take it, ok? (gets up to go)<br />
Girl<br />
(Quietly) Are you drunk? I cant quite tell.<br />
Woman<br />
(Pausing) Oh yes. Oh yes I am…Are you?<br />
Girl<br />
No actually. No, I’m not.<br />
Woman<br />
Are you drinking?<br />
Girl<br />
No, I’m not.<br />
Woman<br />
(Pausing) Well good. Ok, good for you. So thats all. Ok. Oh. (starts to go.)<br />
Girl<br />
Hey, you know, I really kind of owe you an apology, or whatever, because I really blamed you for something, for messing me up, and I know it wasn’t you, it was me. I was just looking for someone to blame.<br />
Woman<br />
Oh, no, oh no, no, I was to blame. I am to blame.<br />
Girl<br />
No, really, I have to take responsibility for…<br />
Woman<br />
NO. Thats adults. Adults have to take the responsibility. But children, children are not to blame, its not their fault or responsibility. Things are done to children by adults. I came in here and did something to you. I spoke a, I broke a trust. I told you things that you were not prepared to hear, that you had not been prepared for, adult things, things that require preparation and experiences to understand and to cope with. I revealed secret things, secret adult things, and the consequences of that were that you had a knowledge you were not prepared for. And that is what wrecked you, and that is my fault.<br />
Girl<br />
Yeah, but you didn’t really wreck me. I mean, I’m not wrecked anymore.<br />
Woman<br />
I sincerely hope that is true.<br />
Girl<br />
It is. I mean, I’m kid of glad that it happened. That you came up here and I met you. Because I wouldn’t know what I know now if you hadn’t told me, if you hadn’t hurt me and scared be, if I hadn’t suffered, if I hadn’t, you know, …<br />
Woman<br />
I don’t think that’s right. What you’re saying., I cant…I didn’t expect you to be like this, when I came here, when I came back here. But it doesn’t change anything.<br />
Girl<br />
Well, I don’t know what you expected, really, but as far as changing anything goes, I mean actually, it changes everything. That’s what I think, in my deepest self, that everything can change, and even if it changes for the worse, it can change again, and keep changing.<br />
Woman<br />
(Suddenly angry) Look, I tried to be, I tried to come in here and speak with you in a real way, simply, but…you don’t know. You cant’ know.<br />
Girl<br />
What can’t I know? What’s the big mystery? I know about feeling sick. About walking around sick in yourself and being dead but walking around, doing disgusting sick things that make you even sicker but no feeling anything anyway, just thumps on dull meat. I do know.<br />
Woman<br />
NO kid. uh uh. No, oh no. no. Everything is still ahead of you. There’s still time for you to change or do whatever you fucking want to do. And that is why you can’t know. You don’t know what its like when there is no time, when its too late. Its just all used up. There’s nothing left. It’s like swimming down a river. At a certain point you really exhaust yourself, you just want to let the river take you, to let the current take you. Thats what I’m doing, I just doing it with a bottle in my hand and my mouth open.<br />
Girl<br />
So you really didn’t change, when you came back here. You said you had, but you hadn’t.<br />
Woman<br />
Yeah, that’s right. I never could really change. Not really.<br />
Girl<br />
Well, thats…<br />
Woman<br />
(interuptus) Yes, thats.<br />
Girl<br />
Ok then, you’d better go.<br />
Woman<br />
Yes I had better.<br />
Girl<br />
I forgive you.<br />
Woman<br />
(Startled, but tired of it now) What?<br />
Girl<br />
I forgive you…<br />
Woman<br />
Ok great. (opening door to go out)<br />
Girl<br />
For what you’re doing.<br />
Woman<br />
For what I did.<br />
Girl<br />
No, for what you’re doing now. I forgive you for what you’re doing right now.<br />
Woman<br />
You forgive me? (sarcastic)<br />
Girl<br />
Yes I do. In my deepest self.<br />
Woman<br />
Moved but unmoved) Huh. Thanks. Thank you.<br />
(she goes out, the girl watches her, and then lays back down to go to sleep.)</p>
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		<title>Neighbors</title>
		<link>http://jennymagnus.com/neighbors/</link>
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		<pubDate>Wed, 23 May 2012 12:52:43 +0000</pubDate>
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				<category><![CDATA[Texts]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[They were girls. They whispered around each other like there was danger of being overheard. It was important to both of them that they felt private together, private friends. They tended to meet in vast fields, often full of waste, where no crowds would ever be. The older of them liked roller-skating, and felt secure [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><em>They were girls. They whispered around each other like there was danger of being overheard. It was important to both of them that they felt private together, private friends. They tended to meet in vast fields, often full of waste, where no crowds would ever be. The older of them liked roller-skating, and felt secure on the skates only when the younger was holding her hand. She would skreetch childishly, whipping around her young friend in a circle, the outstretched support arm a moving spoke in her wheel. She also liked crawling on her hands and knees while the skates hung uselessly from her feet, wheels turning in the wind. The younger one would ride on her back sometimes, facing backwards, watching the wheels. The younger one liked to piss standing up, legs and feet wide apart. She would remove her pants and revel in the stream of piss splittering on the ground. The older one would turn away discretely while she took off her pants or put them on, but would watch while she pissed. The world they believed in was very small. Neither one of them cared to pay much attention to the other children, their parents, school, or books. They only focused on finding the space and time to be together. If a demonstration ever spontaneously gathered at one of the waste fields they frequented, they would just silently agree to leave and never re-visit that particular place. No speech would be exchanged, nor looks, it was just known and understood between them. No one really knew they knew each other.</em></p>
<p>They are women. They speak cheerfully to each other, knowing they are being overheard. Their husbands listen to them talking, straining to hear for any private information being exchanged, or even for the melody of privacy. Away from their building they only say hello and pass cordially. Where they really meet is the front lawn of their building, two perfect squares of grass bordered by sidewalk and a fence. They lay in the grass, in the late afternoon, while their two daughters play on the sidewalk. The sun is low in the west, shadowed by the building into distinct geometrical shapes of shade and sun on the grass. The younger lies on her back with her feet dangling in the sun, the older lies diagonally to her with only her face in the shade. Their two little daughters run up and down, their urine-jelly filled diapers bulging and distorting their body shapes. The girls pick up rocks from under the two decorative fir trees in front of the building, and throw them into the grass where they will later be found and spit by the lawnmower. They throw rocks at their mothers. The women loll. They wince when the rocks hit them, but they don’t move away or caution their children. The younger woman scratches at her dirty jeans, the crotch smell rising, a miasma. The ice cream bell rings in passing, the train can be heard from blocks away, but the women don’t listen; they steam and wilt, melting into the grass silently together. When the screech of the gate from the rear of the building signals the return of the younger woman’s husband, the women flutter their eyelids and roll onto their sides, coming to kneeling, for a moment like lumbering dogs awakening from a torpor. They gather their respective children, all without speaking, and go inside.</p>
<p>One day, a poster appears in the front window of the younger woman’s home, the window that overlooks the front lawn. It is a political poster, calling for the re-election of the incumbent. It doesn’t even fill the whole window, just a small blue rectangle in the lower corner of the building. The women come outside with their children, and everyone takes their places, women on the grass, children by the stones. This day, the older woman, hotter than usual, dressed in black polyester, must wipe the sweat off her face and neck. An ant crawls across her arm, irritating. As she shakes the ant away, her head turns slightly and the blue of the poster enters her peripheral vision. So she looks at it. This woman has extensive political credentials from her past, but the vastness of the problems, combined with the tedium of relating to the kinds of people who are involved in politics, drove her into submission and apathy. She never regretted leaving her righteousness behind. The sight of the poster is an electric shock. If the older woman had been speaking, she would have been rendered speechless. She stiffens, suddenly aware of the younger woman’s proximity to her. They are close together, close enough to smell one another.</p>
<p>The children are playing badly on this day, fighting. The older woman’s child is tender, sensitive, talkative, strange. The youngers’: a pistol, yelling, pushing, resisting her friends’ proffered kisses. They argue over the stones, who’s stone is whose, where to throw them, whether to hug. This conflicted play is not unusual, this is their way. The younger woman’s child throws a stone that hits the other child. Tears, the flop, there is a cut. This really would require the attention of the mothers, but the older woman is frozen in a paroxysm of unexpected emotion. The younger, who is pregnant, fries, placid, in the sun. The screech of the gate signals the end of the idyll, everyone knows their part and they pair off into the building as they have done before.</p>
<p>The older woman dreads mentioning the poster to her husband. He has no tolerance for the other side; considers it a defining factor of character, supporting those villains. She mulls it for a day and a night, surely he will see it soon, should she bring it up, or will he? She thinks back over everything leading up to the sight of this horror. The day the younger woman, then pregnant with her first child, knocks on their door in tears and asks, with no preamble, if the older woman thinks she looks alright in the evening dress she is wearing. Her belly swells, it is beginning to be the fashion to wear revealing clothes when pregnant, but her husband thinks it makes her look fat. The older woman likes the way it looks, she looks ripe and luscious, her long black hair and ample ass surrounding her belly like parentheses. She is complementary, reassuring. This is the beginning of a covert alliance, strengthened by the birth of the younger’s child, the older woman brings a lasagna, this is her ritual to all new parents, the hot meal. The husband, good looking, young, stiff, all white teeth and crew cut, accepts the lasagna graciously but without warmth. He is a youth pastor, the neighbors are not people of god, that is obvious, but they are kind and he can tolerate them. The new mother is more grateful, she is exhausted by the baby and is comforted by the presence of someone who has been through it before. She is not close with her mother, resents her litany of sacrifices, and likes the older woman’s off-handed practical matter-of-factness about the body, the baby, the world. The older woman is easy about things, the early medical scare where the young couple’s car won’t start and the older woman gives them the keys to her car without hesitation, the shy but burgeoning sharing of babysitting back and forth for quick trips to the store, the way the older woman calls the youngers’ baby Beautiful, like a name. A contentment with the slow growth of intimacy surrounds the two women like a glow, they are not friends, wouldn’t call it that, but they don’t really need to call it anything. No one out in the world would know they knew each other, but they recognized something together: that they had stepped over a line, firmly drawn, and could never go back.</p>
<p>All this the older woman pondered, worrying over the poster. She felt something had to be done, but couldn’t imagine what. Should she mention it to the younger? This felt so wrong, an intrusion, and not a part of the silent contentment they shared. She considered putting up a poster for the other side, but she and her husband hated the other side as well, just not with as much rancor and rage. She wasn’t for anyone, only against. And in a way, she respected the young couple for caring enough to put up any poster at all. The thoughts came in waves, she was awakened in the middle of the night by the certainty that their support stemmed from a Christian perspective, unquestioning and dutiful. This horrified her even more- they had a child and one on the way, how could they be so blind to the consequences of a re-election? Were they only ignorant? Or willfully bigoted? A day later, she sat in her car as the thought came: what could they possibly think of us? They must hate us, distrust us, find us suspicious. Are they judging us and even pitying us? The older woman found these thoughts so painful, she was taken by surprise. The grief was sharp, she wept. Her husband has only contempt, he acts completely in character, with pronouncements of the end of the children playing together, he must protect his child from the inculcation of these revolting, conservative ideas. The older woman argues for tolerance, a live and let live attitude that she doesn’t really feel. Her husband’s mother comes to visit, she is even more militant than her son, she considers putting up a poster over the one in the window, climbing on a ladder in the dead of night, just wiping out the offending beacon of wrongness. The older woman manages to steer her mother-in-law away from this strategy, focusing on the problem of what poster one could possibly replace the offending one with, for whom could one proclaim one’s alliance? There was no one.</p>
<p>Slowly the days pass, and the poster sits in the window, fading with the sun. The election draws near, the older woman feels the tension stretch and pull, elastic. She does nothing; only turns her back on the poster, like it is in a perpetual state of removing it’s pants, and she turns back only in time to watch the younger woman coming in and out of the building, growing large with the child inside her.</p>
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		<title>The Dark Ages</title>
		<link>http://jennymagnus.com/the-dark-ages/</link>
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		<pubDate>Wed, 23 May 2012 12:49:17 +0000</pubDate>
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		<description><![CDATA[She was washing a reeking chicken. Taking a dinner party risk, putting the family in the pot along with the vegetables. Smelling wafters of putridity along with the spices. She had certainly cooked a million of them, baked, roasted, boiled. This one was most definitely over the line. Even the washing didn’t seem to remove [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>She was washing a reeking chicken. Taking a dinner party risk, putting the family in the pot along with the vegetables. Smelling wafters of putridity along with the spices. She had certainly cooked a million of them, baked, roasted, boiled. This one was most definitely over the line. Even the washing didn’t seem to remove the nagging smell. As she cooked, her long blue wrap of silky dusky blue was coming untied, like her plans. Falling apart, going down the drain with the watery blood, down.</p>
<p>She told herself that cooking it at the highest temperatures would help, believing that heat would heal and disarm the past expiration date. She supervised the table setting, the water glasses, the napkins folded in a funny way by the kid in the family. Tonight it was a diamond. She thought, that’s the hardest thing on earth, a diamond. Watching the outside of the chicken through the oven door as it cooked, as if that would reveal the rot; it looks fine, it looks good, it looks perfect, it looks fine…</p>
<p>The guest arrives, the chicken comes out. She sniffs it surreptitiously in the kitchen, carving it and sniffing it, serving it and sniffing it… Conversation, laughter, all couched, for her, by the waiting. Waiting after dinner for the first sign of gut wrench and roiling nauseal upheaval, waiting with a morbid assurance that vomit will be the end of the evening’s activity. She experiences a stretching out of time, her mind telling her that every moment is the last good one, now the storm starts, now, no, now…She watches each person, any sign of discomfort or a passing grimace is the beginning of it…she is sure…</p>
<p>The heaving doesn’t happen. No one gets sick. Except she is sick with tension.</p>
<p>So, after all was said and done, she had to reconsider what she thought she knew about rot.</p>
<p>She had only been wearing black. Maybe it was time for a change. If white clothes used to represent purity or some kind of simplicity or elegance, or lightness, or grace, now white clothes had the feeling of being in the service of something, like being a slave of a kind, or being employed by someone making her wear white clothes, or as if the clothes have to stay white, but of course they cant, and so she would be dooming herself to failure forever, and the person who was making her wear them was going to always look at her with a small private sneer because her shit stains or cum drip or coffee spill or sweat pit or drool line or snot wipe or blood smear was always going to be advertising her for the juice producer that she was. If it was very very hot, and the white clothes were like a kind of benevolent relief to bleached bones, shading out the sum of the beating down individual rays, one would have to think, by all means, wear white clothes. But if the reason for wearing them had to do with some kind of tremendous profound decision, a decision to change, where she was going to wear white clothes by god forever, then that was an obnoxious reason for wearing them. They made everyone else uncomfortable, and she knew it, everyone looks at white clothes and thinks they should be dressed more flowingly or ritualistically or simply or coolly or abstractly or less hotly or darkly or demandingly or frankly, and so feel indicted by her white clothes. She would have to take the white clothes away and turn them into rags. Once she’d have wiped up all kinds of things with the white clothes now turned into rags, if she had any energy for a project she might sew them back together into clothes again, careful to leave no stain under a seam, but parade the stains as a cool new pomo pattern. Once the coffee is cleaned off the counter and there isn’t any more mustard drip, and she’s found time in her busy schedules to sew up some clothes, not even with a machine but by hand because she never figured out the damned machine and spent more time on bobbin comprehension than it would have taken to make the damned clothes, so she does it all by hand anyway, and she does a bad job so that everything is haphazard a little, and she tries on the clothes that used to be white clothes and then were rags and now are stained up ripped apart and sewn back together clothes again, is she going to be grateful? Is she going to be grateful that she changed?<br />
She sits and stares at the pundits. They seem to speak directly to her, prophesying Babylon and mortuary fanfares, candy apple sugar teeth and fancy hassle almost premiers. She hears really only one thing: its over its over its over. Wake up and get ready for it to be over, get dressed and get ready for it to be over, eat quick, its about to be over, stop whining, its already over. She wonders how they got to be pundits anyway, who licensed them for punditry, because she had a lot to say when it came down to it, she could lay it out on the self important egg waggers who represent what? Not her position, because if any of them were ever to find themselves in her position, she sure as shit would have no mercy, like none was done to her. She squints closer, her bad eye a melon splat in her vision, David Gergan already melon-headed to begin with and more so as she switches from Walgreens 4x magnifiers to dark glasses to nothing, restless to find her way back to real vision like it used to be. It usting to be something else is a dead trap of grey parachute folding freefall dinge, because even if they all act like they know, facebooking and texting, shoulder patting and bump hugging, sympathizing and empathizing all over her, they don’t know, they don’t know at all. They cant know, and thus, by virtue of her knowing, she is the true expert pundit of righteous anger analysis and detailed sufferance cataloguing. Get her on there with Wolf fucking Blitzer, she’ll destroy them with incisive dissolving laser rayed deaths head precipice wavering. They will hear and know, then, what real insight is.</p>
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