dimwit mandatory observations of an orchestrated catastrophe
The scene is a bedroom, nondescript. 3 different nights in the same room. A bed, a table, a lamp are all that’s needed; some kind of window and a door. The set need not change, only who is in the bed at first and who is coming in. As much formal attention to similar opening and closing moments as possible.
The Woman is mid 40’s or a little older, no younger. Maybe attractive, but a wreck. As the play progresses she can change from a total wreck to a subdued wreck and then on the verge of being wrecked again. All costume and casting considerations only must take into account this fact: that she is not poor, but she has not taken care of herself.
The Girl is as young as can be swung at first, but must be old enough to be believable as drunk. An adult can play the Girl, but cannot make her cute. She should visibly mature by the end of the play.
ONE
(A woman, very drunk, enters a room where a girl is sleeping in a bed.)
Woman
(Stumbling around in the dark…) Oh oh oh …, oh oh no oh oh no…(obviously drunk, breaking down into tears).
Girl
(waking up, being surprised) Uhh, uhh, wha… wha… oh who wha… wha… wha… oh who wha…Wha, are you, who is it? You’re making so much noise!
Woman
Oh, oh, oh no, no…. Shit I cant believe this shit. This is it, this is totally…
Girl
What’s the matter? ( lights come up to reveal a little girls room, she is in bed, woman is crouched on the floor.) What’s the matter with you? Why are you making so much noise?
Woman
Just shut up kid, shut up and let me sit here. I can’t believe this…
Girl
What’s the matter? What’s the matter?
Woman
I pissed myself, ok, I was looking for the bathroom and I came in here and fucking pissed myself. Satisfied? Now you know.
Girl
You…
Woman
I pissed myself.
Girl
You…
Woman
Pissed, pissed, like , peed? You know, not pooped but peed. Get it? Huh?! (starts to cry)
(Pause)
Girl
Well, I’ve done that. That’s not so bad.
Woman
(kind of stunned by that reasoning) Well maybe it’s not so bad for you, for a kid, but in my world, it is bad. It is not acceptable at all.
Girl
I don’t think it’s that important.
Woman
(pause) You don’t think it’s that important?
Girl
No.
Woman
Well I think it’s important. I think its…terrible. It’s tragic. I don’t want to be sitting here in my own piss in some strange kids’ room.
Girl
Then why are you?
Woman
Because I couldn’t find the bathroom, ok? I didn’t know where the bathroom was, and I had to go really bad, ok? So I came in here and…
Girl
I get that. But why did you wait so long?
Woman
I don’t know. I don’t know. Probably because I didn’t know where the bathroom was.
Girl
Are you drunk?
Woman
Yes, yes I’m drunk.
Girl
That’s probably why you peed, then.
Woman
No, I peed because I couldn’t find the bathroom. (Beginning to get angry).
Girl
And you held it too long.
Woman
Yes! Yes I held it too long, alright? Too long. Ok? Now you know, its all out in the open, you know everything about it, it all clear, and you, little precocious fucking girl, can tell me everything about myself, right? Is that right?!
Girl
Why do you drink so much?
Woman
What? Why what? (embarrassed)
Girl
Why do you drink so much? I mean, maybe, I don’t know, but it seems like…
Woman
(harsh interruption) You don’t know, that’s right, you don’t know me well enough to be asking that kind of question.
Girl
I asked you because maybe that’s why you peed, you know, if you drink too much, if you drank too much…
Woman
Look, yes, ok I drank too much, but that doesn’t mean I drink too much. Get the distinction? See the difference? I drank too much, I waited too long, and I couldn’t find the bathroom, I came in here, and I woke you up. Now I’m sorry about it, and that’s all I can say. You stupid fucking little kid.
Girl
Ulh, ulh, you’re just…You’re being really mean, you’re not being very nice.
Woman
Well you’re right. I am not nice. Not a nice person at all. And you don’t have to think I’m nice, that’s the beauty of it, see? I don’t care. I can not care, and not be nice, and you can just fuck off.
Girl
(Freaked but belligerent.) You care. Everyone cares.
Woman
No, I don’t care. (to self) I don’t want to care. And I don’t want to want to care.
Girl
I think everybody cares. I think you care. And I think you want to care.
Woman
I don’t want to, I wont, I cant.
Girl
(Getting into the game of it.) You could.
Woman
But I wont.
Girl
But you could. Admit you could.
Woman
I could, I could, but I wont.
Girl
You could! You said you could!
Woman
But I wont. So what? I don’t. That’s the point, I don’t.
Girl
But you could. You said you could. You did.
Woman
But I don’t. So I wont.
Girl
You don’t, so you won’t? Isn’t it you won’t, so you don’t?
Woman
No! I just don’t, so I just won’t. I don’t want to, I won’t. (Fed up with the game) Look, I’m tired. I’m so tired. I ‘m really very exhausted.
Girl
It is the middle of the night.
Woman
(sickishly) Oh, oh, oh no…I really feel like I have to lie down. Can I just lie on the edge of your bed? I wont bother you, you just go back to sleep.
(the woman climbs painfully into the bed.)
Girl
Uh, uh, wha…what…I…don’t think I can if you …
Woman
No, its ok, I just have to sleep for a little while. I’m just going to get on the bed, just a tiny corner, for a little while…(the girl is very uncomfortable and gets out)
Girl
Look, you just go ahead, I’ll just sit up, I’m awake now, its ok…(she walks over to where the woman was, and watches the woman, saying things experimentally) ulh…ulh…oooulh…You’re ugly… You stink…. I’m not impressed by you…. I don’t like your clothes…. I’d be embarrassed if I were you… It’s not important. I wasn’t sleeping anyway. I was only pretending to sleep…. You make me sick. People like you make me sick. I think that’s the worst thing you can do, is let yourself get stupid. Embarrass yourself and not even be able to stop it. Ulh…ulh…
Woman
(responding from bed) I’m not sleeping.
Girl
(startled) uh…oh…I thought you were sleeping…
Woman
No I wasn’t. I’m not. I just let you think I was. I wanted to see what you’d do. If you thought I was sleeping.
Girl
Why? Why would you want to do that?
Woman
Because I’m not nice. And to satisfy my curiosity.
Girl
About what?
Woman
About you. (meanly trying to freak her out)
Girl
Why? Wha…uh… Why are you curious about me? I’m not interesting. I’m just nobody. Leave me alone.
Woman
Yeah, you didn’t surprise me.
Girl
I didn’t surprise you? (kind of insulted.)
Woman
Do you think I didn’t know exactly what you would do?
Girl
How could you know what I was going to do?
Woman
…You remind me of myself.
Girl
Well I’m not going to end up peeing in my pants in some kid’s bedroom who I don’t even know.
Woman
Oh, oh ho, You just hold on to that thought. Hold on tight. You just hope for yourself that isn’t going to happen.
Girl
Just because bad things happen to you doesn’t mean that’s the way it’s going to be for everybody. I’m not going to feel all sorry for myself and be pathetic.
Woman
You think I’m pathetic.
Girl
Yes I do. It’s embarrassing for a kid to see an adult all ugly and weird. If you were another kid I would make fun of you for being so stupid and ugly…Kids don’t let kids get away with…
Woman
Look, whether it matters or not, you are making fun of me. You don’t think you are but what you’re saying is actually worse than if you just laughed.
Girl
I don’t get that.
Woman
(kind of sick of it now) You don’t get a lot of things.
Girl
Do you have any kids?
Woman
(surprised,laughing) Uh, no.
Girl
What’s so funny about that question?
Woman
(very bitter) Do I seem like someone who has kids?
Girl
I don’t know. All kind of people have kids. Really strange people have kids.
Woman
You’re saying I’m really strange.
Girl
I think you’re kind of strange…But I like things that are strange. And you’re not so strange you wouldn’t have kids maybe.
Woman
Well no, I don’t have any kids.
Girl
Do you want to have them?
Woman
I don’t choose to have them. Not now. If, in the future, I choose to have them, then…its, its my choice, and…
Girl
I wish I could choose, that I had a choice. No one telling you all the time to do things you don’t want to do.
Woman
At the same time, it’s all up to you. No one has to care about you.
Girl
(Pause) You know what, my mother has two pairs of glasses. One that she wears with black or white clothes, one that she wears with earth colors. I think that is too much.
Woman
What are you talking about? Glasses? Two is too much?
Girl
Yeah. It seems too planned out. Like she knows exactly what kind of occasion everything is going to be, and has just the right face to meet it with.
Woman
That seems alright to me. It’s only some glasses.
Girl
No, its not only the glasses. It’s the plan.
Woman
What’s wrong with a plan? Maybe it gives her comfort.
Girl
It gives her protection, not comfort.
Woman
So what? What do you care if she feels better with…
Girl
Not better. Safer. She feels safer with the right glasses.
Woman
Why begrudge her safety?
Girl
I never see her face then. She’s so safe she’s invisible. Her glasses give her a face. Maybe she doesn’t have any face under there.
Woman
She has a face. It’s her face. If she wants to only show it to the mirror it’s none of your business.
Girl
When I was a baby in her arms I would try to pull them off. You know what? I never could.
Woman
That’s not a real memory.
Girl
Maybe not, but that’s my dream of the memory. That is the memory I think about.
Woman
I don’t believe in that. Leave it all well enough alone, that’s what I think. Don’t mess around with that stuff, leave it where it lays, let it fester and rot all by itself. It doesn’t need any stirring up by anybody. There are things it’s better to not know.
Girl
I want to know.
Woman
You already know everything you need to know.
Girl
No, I don’t.
Woman
What do you think you don’t know?
Girl
I know I don’t know enough.
Woman
Then that’s all you need to know.
Girl
I want to know more than that.
Woman
Wanting, needing. Different things.
Girl
I need to know about wanting, then. Because I don’t…
Woman
You do not need to know about wanting. Maybe you want to know. But need? Need is breathing. Sleeping, shitting. Wanting is all the rest.
Girl
How sure are you about all this?
Woman
I’m a scholar of want. I have a library, many volumes on wanting. All in my head, memorized. I know the difference.
Girl
That’s fine for you, but…
Woman
(abrupt, cutting) No, we’re the same. Everyone is just the same.
Girl
I don’t think you’re right.
Woman
You don’t have to think so.
Girl
I don’t think you try hard enough.
Woman
Hard enough for what?
Girl
To feel better. I think you give up too easy.
Woman
I could hate you for saying that.
Girl
Why? Why could you hate me? I’m just saying…
Woman
It’s so wrong. It’s wrong to think that just by trying harder I could somehow feel better. This is a part of me. Feeling this way is what I am. This is, for me, like the color of you eyes or something. It’s not something I’m doing. It’s just me.
Girl
You talked yourself into that.
Woman
No, this is from years of rational observation and experiment. I’ve been conducting a series of experiments, an elaborate process of elimination. I’ve removed every single external source of pain in my life, I’ve narrowed my life down until its tiny, do you understand me? It’s smaller than anything you could even imagine, like a matchbox life, but the pain is still there. Therefore, I conclude, I am the pain. Like, I saw my mother once, in a dream. She had had some dental work done on her front teeth. Where they had been chicklety before, capped, I suppose, now they were just stumps, hurting, blackish. Her eyes had all this pain. Not just mouth pain of the dental variety, but sorrow and shame. Especially shame, like it was a hideous thing for her, a disfigurement that she couldn’t abide. A loss of dignity. I felt so sorry. That’s the kind of pain I’m talking about.
Girl
I don’t have to believe that story.
Woman
Believe whatever you want to believe.
Girl
I think its sort of ridiculous.
Woman
Yes, I would have to agree.
Girl
As if you couldn’t change. Everything can change. At any moment. Even I know that.
Woman
Everything can change, yes I know that is true.
Girl
So you can change.
Woman
Yes, but I can change for the worse. Or hadn’t you thought of that?
Girl
Oh you make me so mad. Coming in here with your ideas. Its just ugly, you know? It’s ugly what you say. And depressing.
Woman
That’s right. You think you can stave off everything bad and ugly just by what, looking at it straight? I give you points for not being a freakout kind of kid, like a lot of kids would be, this is a bad situation, but you’re still stupid and I’m not sorry to tell you that. Ugliness. Failure. Disappointment. You have no idea, kid, really, listen to me now, no idea what real disappointment is. That something is not ever going to happen. Ever. Or when something can never be undone. Sometimes it’s not your fault, but when it is, when you’ve fucked things up and they’re ruined, its more than you can bear. It’s more that I can bear. Someday you’ll thank me for telling you this stuff. I don’t care about you enough to sugar coat it for you. You think this is just some crazy woman who talking talking talking. But ugliness is real, kid, its all around you, all the time, and its inside you, yeah even you, and it can come out. Just because it wants to. Just because for the hello of it. And then you can get used to it, you can start liking the ugliness, and you want to see how far you can go with it. Like right now. I just feel ugly. It’s coming out of me. And you’re the only person here with me. See how ugly I am? (turns out the light, she is doing something unseen, violent towards the girl.)
Girl
(After getting away from her and turning back on the light) Ulh..I don’t care what you say. You think you’re scaring me but you’re not. I can take it. I won’t give up. I won’t. I’m not going to get all ugly and flat and disappointed, and…
Woman
Fine, great. You’re wrong, you will, but you just keep dreaming. Go to sleep now. I’m sorry I disturbed you. Just forget we ever talked. Forget about me. Do whatever you want. Go back to sleep. (stumbles out).
TWO
(Same room, Woman asleep in the bed. Girl is seen climbing in through the window on a ladder . It is obviously late at night or early morning and she is sneaking back into her room from having been out)
Girl
(angry, drunk, falling down, making noise) Oh, oh, no…
Woman
(in the bed, being awakened by girl climbing in window.) Wha, ulh…Who is it?
Girl
What the fuck?! This is…oh man this is just great, I cant believe this shit…
Woman
What’s going on? What are you doing here? Who are you?
Girl
Who am I? That’s funny, who the fuck are you? What are you doing in here? (looks closer) Oh my god! What are you doing here?!
Woman
What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Who are you?
Girl
Fuck you. Get out of my bed.
Woman
Your bed?
Girl
Yeah, this is my bed. So get out.
Woman
You’re drunk.
Girl
So what?! So what if I’m drunk, what do you care? Who are you to…
Woman
What are you talking about? Calm down now, keep your voice down.
Girl
Yeah right, don’t want any trouble. Get out of my bed and there won’t be any trouble.
Woman
There’s not going to be any trouble. Calm down now, just be quiet.
Girl
Stop talking. Just stop even talking to me and get out of my bed.
Woman
Are you…
Girl
Yes, its my bed, my fucking bed, I’m kicked out but that doesn’t mean its not still my bed. It’s my bed until I say it isn’t, till I quit this room, not when I’m told to get out. I tell who to get out. I tell you to get out, you don’t tell me.! (crying, angry)
Woman
(Taking charge) Look, shut up. Shut up and sit down. Here, I’m out of the bed, alright? OK? I’m up and out of the bed, now shut up and calm down.
Girl
Ok that’s what I want. Move away, go over there, go out, leave me alone now, I just want to sleep. Get out and don’t say anything more. (She stumbles into the bed)
Woman
Alright fine, quiet now. (She watches the girl lay down, speaking to herself.) This is terrific. What did I expect. Oh well, they never said it would be easy. I guess its perfect really. An uncomfortable evening and an awful night. What do I expect. Creepy. Little strange asshole angry kid.
Girl
(Not sleeping) Cant you ever shut up?
Woman
I thought you were passed out. Sorry.
Girl
Ha! Sorry!? You’re not sorry. It’s some kind of thing with you. Disturbing my sleep. This is like some bizzare nightmare, finding you here. It’s like a little reunion. (finds that drunkenly funny)
Woman
A reunion? What does that mean?
Girl
You know what I mean. Its only justice that I should wake you up. Tit for tat.
Woman
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Girl
Yes you fucking do. Don’t be so stupid. You woke me up, so I’m waking you up.
Woman
I didn’t wake you up.. You woke me up.
Girl
Not now. Before.
Woman
Before? When?
Girl
(Dawning) Oh my fucking god. You don’t remember me, do you? You don’t even remember me. You don’t remember me.
Woman
Ok, I get that you think we’ve met, but we haven’t. (very uncomfortable) No we haven’t met. I don’t remember meeting you. No.
Girl
You don’t remember me. This is too funny. You don’t even remember me at all? Look at me.
Woman
No, I’m sorry. I don’t recognize you, look, I’m only here for this one night. I’ve only been here once before, to this house once before, but I’ve never been in here and I’ve never seen you. I don’t think.
Girl
That’s right, you don’t think, you just come in here and wake people up and tell them things and freak them out, and, other things, and then you go. Is this going to be like, a yearly ritual or something? You’re drunken fucking vacation visit? (Woman starts to come over to her) Don’t touch me! Stay over there, I mean it! I’ll kill you if you touch me again.
Woman
I haven’t touched you, calm down. Sshh.
Girl
You don’t remember meeting me but you know you haven’t touched me. Fucking asshole.
Woman
I came here to tell them I was sorry because I… of something, some things I did when I was here before, and it got too late to leave so they put me up in here for the night, one night, and that’s all there is to it.
Girl
No, that’s not all there is to it. Whether you remember me or not, whatever you did down there, to them, you did come up in here and you did fuck with me, you did, and whether you know it or not, I know it, you woke me up and you fucked with me.
Woman
(Giving in to it.) Ok, ok, I cant remember. This is so horrible and creepy. Ulh… What, what did I do? What did I do to you? Just tell me straight out.
Girl
You fucked with me, man. With my mind. You…upset me and scared me and you…its like you wrecked me, you came in here and just, infected me with some kind of poison. And you did shit to me… scared me and you hit me! You did! And freaked me out. You confused me and, its like, I was really sure about things before that, before you, but then I got very confused and everything turned to shit. It all turned to shit and its your fault.
Woman
(Now very terribly upset). Oh god, I am so so sorry. I fucking hit you? What possible reason could I have had for doing that? I am so sorry, I don’t remember anything, I was drunk and I came back to make it up to them, for what I did to them, but I don’t even, I didn’t even remember that I came in here, and now you say I hit you? Oh god this is the worst thing I’ve ever done, I am so sorry.
Girl
It’s too late to be sorry asshole. You already fucked me. I’m already fucked. Being sorry doesn’t change anything.
Woman
How can I tell you? I’ve changed. I’m not the same. That’s why I’m sorry, I wouldn’t be sorry if I hadn’t changed. I never used to be sorry, I didn’t even know I needed to be sorry, but now I do know, and I know it cant always be made right but…
Girl
That’s right, this is one of the times it cant be made right. It’s wrong, what you did was wrong, and what you’re doing now is wrong. So just shut up and get out.
Woman
Wait, wait…I cant just leave until we talk this out, What exactly happened? Just tell me what I did so at least I know. I cant’ do anything, I cant change anything if I don’t know what it is, I have to see it before I can change it.
Girl
You’re not listening to me! I don’t care if you change or not. You’re right, though, you haven’t changed, you’re still just interested in yourself, yourself, yourself. You were, at least you were strange before, now you’re just pathetic and weak and ugly,,, (taunting her)
Woman
(grabbing her, losing her temper) Tell me what I did!
Girl
Let go of me! (They fight, the woman wins) Ok, fine, you win, fuck you I don’t care. (crying, drunk, sickish.)
Woman
Now tell me what I did to you. Exactly.
Girl
(not willing to really tell it) You slapped me, no big fucking deal.
Woman
I slapped you. Why?
Girl
Because you were drunk and you got mad.
Woman
And that was why you freaked out?
Girl
(Pauses) Actually, no. I freaked out because you…disgusted me. You were totally disgusting and filthy, you pissed yourself and cried and everything, but what made it weird is that you made sense. You were totally fucked up but you were right. You told me that I would see it your way, and learn when I got older and you were right. I did learn. Things can happen for the worse and some things can happen that can never be undone. I started thinking about this girl I know, in school, and this year, in one year, these terrible things started happening to her, she went to the bathroom and tucked her skirt into her underpants and walked around like that all day and no one told her. I didn’t even tell her. Then her front tooth just turned black and died, and she just had this black tooth. Then she washed her hair with baby oil instead of baby shampoo one morning and it stayed wet and stringy all day. The she gained like 100 pounds. Then she accidently yanked a chunk of hair out of her head and it grew back in curly, even though her hair was straight, so she had this one curly lump on her head. And her father started fucking her, she told me, all this happened, and she was so scared, like why? And none of it could ever be undone. I saw what you said, things can change for the worse, and even if you wouldn’t have said all of that stuff if you hadn’t been fucked up, because no one tells you anything real, I know that, you told me the truth, and…
Woman
Wait, now, I told you a truth. Maybe. Or some truths. But not the truth, the one and only truth that is always true. Because I want to tell you now that what I want to tell you now is also true. I just didn’t know this truth at the time. Another truth is that even if you can’t change something that has already happened, you can change yourself. You can make reparation and restitution, and make up somehow for what you’ve done. Its not easy, and I hate it, but you can, if you’re willing to…
Girl
I don’t believe you. You’re just scared, or…You did tell me the truth, you cant make things right.
Woman
I want to make things alright again.
Girl
Was it ever alright to begin with? What if it never was? How can you know if its right again, how do you even think you can know?
Woman
You make it up, I guess, I ‘ve just figured out some way or made up some vision of what right is, or would be.
Girl
Well that’s just terribly inspiring.
Woman
Ok, fine, you don’t have to forgive me, I know that.
Girl
Oh, oh, forgive you. I’m supposed to forgive you? Did they forgive you? (pointing downstairs.)
Woman
Actually, no. Not really.
Girl
Well, you’re just doing great. You carry this infection around and expose everyone to it and then you want to be forgiven for that. You should just stay by yourself and keep this to yourself.
Woman
(very tired and horrified and drained.) Ah shit…I was having this dream, when you came in. You woke me up out of this strange dream. I dreamt of being in some kind of union insurrection at a hospital or compound. I get into the compound very easily and I’m not suspect at all, it is extremely packed with people. Suddenly a door opens and out comes the main man of the place, obviously a figure of immense power and insanity, or worse, everyone is brainwashed, its obvious all of a sudden, they cant take their eyes off of him, and they are all drinking what looks like carrot juice from a to-go cup with straws. He rolls out, and I am very scared of him, he is tremendously fat and unspeakably ugly, weird beige skin and no hair really, or like its brushed back, but huge white teeth as the main feature, his eyes are psychotic unfocused, and as he keeps moving it seems like the crowd is rolling him because he is moving very smoothly for a man his size. His back is to me, I hear someone say very proprietarily, “Isn’t that cute?” and I look down to see and its that his pants have only the tiniest amount of leg separation, just at the bottom and it occurs to me that he’s mutated and has some kind of tail or something underneath those pants. Then he is passing me and mercifully his eyes don’t light on me or notice me in any way but just keep blank and he is enveloped into the room he came out of. I am revolted and back out of the room. I stumble into this basement room and I’m in a cage or a cell with an obviously imprisoned woman. The floors and walls are metal but weirdly inscribed or scribbled on or into, and she is very short and slight with short hair. She is naked and maniacally angry, like she’s imprisoned down there because she wont obey, but lucid. Somehow we connect, she can tell that I am incognito or that I respect her anarchy, and she shows me her level of regression or defiance or freedom or degradation by menstruating on the flood obviously having no sanitary facilities. She just looks into my face and squats a little and forces out some blood, she is laughing, enjoying my despair for her. I decide to get the hell out so I can help her by destroying this infernal place. I leave and a guard sees me and I mutter about how this could be so vile, she is considered unspeakable by them. I’m trying to leave the compound and suddenly there is a pursuit, like I’ve been found out, so I drop onto all fours to move faster, pulling at the ground. I think I’m making it, and I see a strip of sand on the other side of the street and I think that’s outside of their jurisdiction. I pull myself onto the sand, its very difficult, but just then, a jeep with some blond surfers in it pulls up and tells me that the real safety is still further on, at the window of a building ahead, that is where the real safety is, and I start trying to get to that, and that’s when you came in through the window and woke me up.
(The woman realizes the girl has fallen asleep while she was talking. She sighs, oh, oh, and gets up and leaves.)
THREE
(Same room, Woman quietly sneaking in while girl is in bed sleeping, Woman watches girl very quietly, sits on edge of bed and touches girl lightly, to awaken her.)
Woman
Uhh, umm…
Girl
(Without moving) Its you, isn’t it.
Woman
Yes.
Girl
(sleepy) I was having an illicit party in my house.
Woman
Listen, I came to tell you something.
Girl
(out of a dream) I was having an illicit party in my house, like the folks were gone, and I had people over, and someone had taken a piece of wood out of the fireplace and thrown it on the floor, and melted the rug, no fire had started, but the rug was pocked with these melted places, and I got horribly angry, like worse than I ever get in real life even, at how stupid someone was, how thoughtless. So I picked the wood up and under it, I saw one of the holes was really deep, like a crater actually, a crater in the rug, and at the bottom, there was not a door exactly but somehow I knew I should climb down the crater, so I did, and I found that under the floor, there was an exact replica of the whole house, like they had built two right on top of each other, but an exact replica, like even the furniture was the same and the knicker knackers, and everything, except it was subterranean, and kind of blueish, like a secret other version of their world under the actual one. I was walking around in the blueishness, touching things and picking them up, everything was the same, even magazines on the table. Weird, huh?
Woman
Yeah, I wanted to say, well, I guess, so long, or whatever, I wanted to see if you would be here, I didn’t really know. I’m glad you are. Back here.
Girl
Do they know you’re up here?
Woman
No.
Girl
Howd you get in?
Woman
I snuck in. I didn’t need to see them.
Girl
Why did you want to see me?
Woman
I just wanted to. To see if you’d be back here. I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I just, I had you in my mind, and you would always be there, in the back of my mind, so I…
Girl
Well, I’m here. I am back here. I’ve been back for a little while.
Woman
Good, so I just wanted to say that you should, you know, cut the crap, and really live, you know, and stop fucking around. And that you shouldn’t listen to anyone about how you should live, or what’s true for you, but that you should get on with really living and look inside yourself, or whatever. Because even if you think you don’t know, you know, what to do, you do, deep inside yourself, you do, you really do.
Girl
Ok, but why should I listen to you then? Because you just told me not to listen to anyone outside of myself, so why should I take this advice and listen to you?
Woman
Yes, right, ok, don’t listen to me. Thats right. Uh huh, um hum, ulh, right? ulgh. Well thats it, so long. Take it easy, but take it, ok? (gets up to go)
Girl
(Quietly) Are you drunk? I cant quite tell.
Woman
(Pausing) Oh yes. Oh yes I am…Are you?
Girl
No actually. No, I’m not.
Woman
Are you drinking?
Girl
No, I’m not.
Woman
(Pausing) Well good. Ok, good for you. So thats all. Ok. Oh. (starts to go.)
Girl
Hey, you know, I really kind of owe you an apology, or whatever, because I really blamed you for something, for messing me up, and I know it wasn’t you, it was me. I was just looking for someone to blame.
Woman
Oh, no, oh no, no, I was to blame. I am to blame.
Girl
No, really, I have to take responsibility for…
Woman
NO. Thats adults. Adults have to take the responsibility. But children, children are not to blame, its not their fault or responsibility. Things are done to children by adults. I came in here and did something to you. I spoke a, I broke a trust. I told you things that you were not prepared to hear, that you had not been prepared for, adult things, things that require preparation and experiences to understand and to cope with. I revealed secret things, secret adult things, and the consequences of that were that you had a knowledge you were not prepared for. And that is what wrecked you, and that is my fault.
Girl
Yeah, but you didn’t really wreck me. I mean, I’m not wrecked anymore.
Woman
I sincerely hope that is true.
Girl
It is. I mean, I’m kid of glad that it happened. That you came up here and I met you. Because I wouldn’t know what I know now if you hadn’t told me, if you hadn’t hurt me and scared be, if I hadn’t suffered, if I hadn’t, you know, …
Woman
I don’t think that’s right. What you’re saying., I cant…I didn’t expect you to be like this, when I came here, when I came back here. But it doesn’t change anything.
Girl
Well, I don’t know what you expected, really, but as far as changing anything goes, I mean actually, it changes everything. That’s what I think, in my deepest self, that everything can change, and even if it changes for the worse, it can change again, and keep changing.
Woman
(Suddenly angry) Look, I tried to be, I tried to come in here and speak with you in a real way, simply, but…you don’t know. You cant’ know.
Girl
What can’t I know? What’s the big mystery? I know about feeling sick. About walking around sick in yourself and being dead but walking around, doing disgusting sick things that make you even sicker but no feeling anything anyway, just thumps on dull meat. I do know.
Woman
NO kid. uh uh. No, oh no. no. Everything is still ahead of you. There’s still time for you to change or do whatever you fucking want to do. And that is why you can’t know. You don’t know what its like when there is no time, when its too late. Its just all used up. There’s nothing left. It’s like swimming down a river. At a certain point you really exhaust yourself, you just want to let the river take you, to let the current take you. Thats what I’m doing, I just doing it with a bottle in my hand and my mouth open.
Girl
So you really didn’t change, when you came back here. You said you had, but you hadn’t.
Woman
Yeah, that’s right. I never could really change. Not really.
Girl
Well, thats…
Woman
(interuptus) Yes, thats.
Girl
Ok then, you’d better go.
Woman
Yes I had better.
Girl
I forgive you.
Woman
(Startled, but tired of it now) What?
Girl
I forgive you…
Woman
Ok great. (opening door to go out)
Girl
For what you’re doing.
Woman
For what I did.
Girl
No, for what you’re doing now. I forgive you for what you’re doing right now.
Woman
You forgive me? (sarcastic)
Girl
Yes I do. In my deepest self.
Woman
Moved but unmoved) Huh. Thanks. Thank you.
(she goes out, the girl watches her, and then lays back down to go to sleep.)